Thanks for stumbling on this site. I am a bit picky about who I allow on it. .
Now I have no wish to discriminate but there are people, through no fault of their own, who fall outside my acceptance criteria. Intellectuals for a start. They are not welcome unless they are stinko rich and give me their credit card details. Nor is anyone welcome who knows Vincent Tan the owner of Cardiff City FC. I don't want him changing my name to Tiger. Same with dentists. They are only allowed on this page if they have pulled out their own teeth.
Okay, enough about you. Here's something about me. I am not a footballer named Suarez so I am not a vampire. I am not the Israeli Prime Minister. So I won't be razing Watford to the ground. At least not until I have notified the residents so they can move to Buckingham Palace. Nor am I the Queen. She wouldn't live where I live.
I live in a hole in the ground in Nottingham. (No I haven't met Robin Hood). But it's not just any old hole. For a start it's not one made by a badger. I have created it with my own hands. I have also furnished it to the highest standards. Its got the latest designer spittoon. So there's nothing odd about it. There are no pencil drawings of the planet Mars in it. There's no lawnmower in it. Nor any paintings by Rolf Harris. This is my place. Not Jeffery Archers apartment.
You will have noticed that up to now reading this hasn't cost you anything. But if you disown any relatives that have the letters MP after their names you will have the opportunity to help me move to a bigger, more luxurious hole in the ground.
All you need do is buy my books They are on sale all over the world so you won't be the only one. All sorts of people are buying them: Mongolian goat herders, Mexican bandits, the Queen of England, to name but a few. But first a word of warning. If you do buy one I can confidently predict your sex life will get worse. In fact it will almost disappear. Reading these books is not a good idea when you're having a bit of rumpy pumpy. Laughing hysterically will ruin the evening.
So be warned. I will not be held responsible if you strain something important.
You can buy at these locations:
Apple iTunes & Apple iBookstore
Barnes and Noble
W H Smith