BIG ROTHERHAM SHOCK
The National Crime Agency is to lead an investigation into child sexual abuse in Rotherham. But despite poring over a map of London they could not find it. Once they had located it there was a sudden outbreak in summer holidays, early retirements and sick leave. And you could not blame them. Even Jeffery Archer won't go there. He would prefer to go to Wormwood Scrubs. He always felt more comfortable with somewhere familiar. Nick Griffin, former leader of the BNP, also refused a ticket. He wanted to go to Nazi Germany but did not have a time travel permit. Who said there was never any good news?
BACKPACKER ATTACKED BY LEECH
Backpacker Daniela Liverani, 24, found a three inch leech up her nose after a trip to South East Asia. She was having a shower when she realized her nose bleed was caused by an animal, not Jeffery Archer as she had first suspected. This was not as fanciful as it might appear. Jeffery gets up everyone's nose regardless of where they take their holidays. There was, though, a happy ending. Hospital staff used forceps and tweezers to remove the parasite. That's the leech, not Jeffery Archer.
GREATEST LIVING YORKSHIREMAN
Cameron chooses William Hague. Surely not! Is Helen Mirren the Queen? Is Paul McCartney a Rolling Stone? Did Abe Lincoln come third in Britain's Got Talent? Besides, where is Hague's bah gum accent? It's a topsy-turvy world all right.
Vladimir Putin has been portrayed as Hercules in Russian Paintings. Okay, don't laugh. Call in Banksky. We need Cameron as Baby Face Nelson, Milliband as The Creature From Outer Space, Clegg as The Invisible Man and Farage as The Folksy Foreigner Killer.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
It is always easy to persuade frightened people to part with their liberties